Thursday, October 17, 2019

Hotel Challenges - Part 2

This is serious business, a hair dryer can make or break your day.  That is if you can find it. Rarely will it be actually in the bathroom on the wall, that is too easy.  Occasionally it is in a hairdryer cozy on a shelf below the sink. Sometimes it will be hanging from the back of the bathroom door.  All three make sense. Then you have your scavenger hunt places, is it in the closet? Pushed all the way to the back on the top shelf or hanging from a hook. Why do we have to hunt for it?  My guess… the sadistic nature of the housekeepers (more on this later).

When you check the hairdryer, don’t just turn it on and think it works, most times they sound louder than a jet engine and I WORK ON AN AIRPLANE I’m used to this sound! Trust me, they are mostly bark and no bite. All of the hearing loss I’ve experienced in my life is due to these super loud and sadly ineffective hairdryers.  The white wall mounted ones are the WORST! They have as much air coming out as a drunk evading a breathalyzer test or an octogenarian with emphysema blowing out their birthday candles. You get the idea. These craptacular little white ones also have that annoying high-decibel, over amplified mosquito buzz times a million sound.  Lucky us, we get to direct it right at our cochlear cavity (now that is fun to say, try it). Also, check the wind to hair ratio, how many strands is it actually moving at once? Will it dry your hair in less than a day? Plan accordingly. Believe me, if I didn’t have fully douse my hair every day in order to not look like a cross between the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls and someone from the Manson family, I wouldn’t.

Ode to a hairdryer: Where art thou when I needest you most?

How can it be,
Oh sweet hair dryer, that I cannot find thee?

There are but two rooms, a closet, window and door
I’ve looked in all plus the walls, the ceiling and floor.

I’ve looked
behind the t.v and under the bed,
The endless search is messing with my head.

I’ve looked
On the top shelf of the closet and behind the door
Under the sink and in the third drawer.

You are coy and elusive
Your unnecessary hiding is mentally quite abusive.

Okay I’m done.

Stay tuned for the next Hotel Challenges…. part 3 The Shower!

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Hotel Challenges - Part 1

I have spent more than a third of my life in a hotel room, yet the little challenges that come with this lifestyle and these hotel rooms never cease to amaze me.
We should have a checklist upon entering hotel rooms.  One - scan the room for killers/rapists, after the “all clear”, we use the bathroom and then let the remainder of the checklist begin. The most important essentials: shower, hair dryer and iron in that order.

Just now, like a good stew that cares about her appearance, I ironed my uniform. Now this may seem simple to most people but my uniform is made of 75% recycled bottles and 25% animal hopes and dreams, so it is DELICATE.  There is a fine line between getting the wrinkles out and burning the shit out of the plastic. So I rely on the iron settings dial to help make this very important decision. Too hot, my skirt melts, not hot enough and the iron leaks animal tears (from said dashed hopes and dreams) or whatever liquid is in the reservoir, I choose to believe it is water.  Today, there were no markings on said dial, none, vanished, gone. Thank you universe or passive aggressive housekeeping staff (I’ll get to that later). Now I will need to use all my faculties, using the dial like a crook using a combination lock to find just the right setting to break into a safe.
Sometimes the cord is faulty, the iron won’t stay on and the water pours out all over your uniform.  Repeatedly. Sometimes your clothes end up smelling like a quesadilla. You know who you are!
As if the iron wasn’t enough, let’s talk about the ironing board…. no big deal right? WRONG! I have literally given myself a fat lip just trying to get it in position. Especially those tragic mini boards some hotels have because they hate you.  It isn’t just release and pull until it catches, this is the stuff alligator wrestling is made of. You really have to want pressed clothes for this one. After you get your board at just the right height, trying to find a spot for the board near a plug-in that also gives you room lest the cord drag across your meticulously pressed clothes and mess them up again.. First world problems, I know.
Now let us consider for a moment the thickness of the padding, this matters people! Too thin and you have a diamond waffle pattern permanently burned into your uniform made of used Tupperware. In the right light it reminds me of a cool snakeskin design, almost as if I channeled my inner DIY and meant to do that.  
Now if the padding is too thick.. PFFFT this isn’t a thing, moving on.

Next up: Hairdryer