Sunday, January 11, 2015
Am I breathing? If the answer is NO, then push it. Repeatedly.
Do I have a low tolerance for trash on my tray? If the answer is YES, do NOT ring your call button. Sit, wallow and wait for 4.5 minutes until the next flight attendant to comes by. Next time maybe think about how you feel right now and just don’t order so many things. Easy right?
Am I bleeding? If the answer is YES, then ask yourself “Can I control it without getting it on anyone or anything else?” (think bloody hangnail, bit lip, picked scab). If the answer is NO, then ring your flight attendant call button. Repeatedly.
Did I fall asleep during drink service? If you’re not sure, then look around first. Does anyone else have a drink? Is it fresh? Is the flight attendant anywhere close? If not, be patient or if that is not part of your skill set, ring the call button ONCE and when they come ASK NICELY. Never ever ever ever start off with something like “You forgot me…… “ lest you want to be shown what real forgotten is like for the remainder of the flight.
Is a piece of the plane about to fly off? Is the engine on fire? Is some freak next to you trying to light his underwear/shoes on fire? Do you believe we are in imminent danger? If the answer is YES, ring it repeatedly
Is the person seated behind/beside/in front of me annoying? If the answer is YES, do NOT ring your call button. Deal with it yourself. We are all adults here. Again, be cordial or your life is about to get worse.
You look out the window and see circles in the ground or what looks like a city or a lake or a mountain range and you are curious… Do you ring your call button? The answer is NO, NEVER. Look at your inflight magazine, chances are there is a route map in it somewhere. Find the two cities you are flying between, trace a line with your finger then think back to geography class. Think really hard. If you still don’t know, ask the person next to you. Do not, under any circumstance, ring your call button for this. Unless of course, you like it when we roll our eyes and speak to you with an air of disdain.