eXtreme DISTURBULENCE

I would like to make this perfectly clear to the flying public... the aisle is mine.

I have 17 inches in which to sashay, shimmy, skip, stomp or moonwalk. It doesn't matter if the seat belt sign is on, if we're in some sort of climbing/descending attitude or if the plane is bucking like a bronco because of turbulence. The galleys and the aisle are my oyster, I can do what I want!

You, on the other hand, have rented your 18 inches of fire retardant real estate for the next hour or so and you need to stay within those confines. You did not pay for MY aisle. So get your feet, purse, elbows, linebacker-esque shoulders and fanned out newspaper out of it! You do not get to play scrabble across it, hold a business meeting or let your sugared up offspring run up and down it!
Am-SCRAY! I'm trying to work here. Do you see me coming into your cubicle and taking up space or impeding your progress in any way? That would be no.

So here is the deal.... I will say to you, with a smile on my face, to excuse me. What I'm really saying is excuse YOU. I will do this about 6 or 7 times (this varies for each flight attendant) after that, IT IS ON.

Underneath my perfectly coiffed hair, plastic smile and polished exterior rages a roller derby queen mentality and I fight dirty. You have now unleashed the Aisle Avenger and this has become your Flight of Fury! Next time you go to take a drink of that scalding hot cup o' joe, prepare to be hip-checked. OOPS, I'm sorry. Did I do that?

I will sidestep you no more, I am now your Kneecap Nemesis! We are no longer at cruising altitude... we are at bruising altitude. Go ahead, drop those magazine subscription postcards into the aisle and you will feel the Inflight Inflictor's wrath of PAAAAIIIINNNN!

I love my job!

If you ever have the opportunity to ask a flight attendant if they like their job, they ALWAYS emphatically answer yes! Then as if to convince you (and quite possibly themselves) they expound on all the areas they are in love with it.

For instance, the flexible work schedule, flight benefits, great pay, medical, dental, 401k, profit sharing, getting some peace and quiet away from your kids and/or husband to name a few. But wait a minute, that's not the job. Those are the benefits of working in this field true, but it's not the job.

How come no one ever says I really like reminding people fifteen times to turn off their cell phones or to be seated when the damn sign is on? Why don't I ever hear how much you just love to hand out snacks, pass out drinks or pick up trash? Or how much you like glancing at crotches to make sure their seat belts are fastened. Rearranging luggage in the overhead bin resulting in a smashed appendage is never on the list either. How come no one ever says using my first aid/emergency training in flight? What about equipment checks, briefings, manual revisions, turbulence, delays, intoxicated passengers and 14 hour duty days? No? Not your favorite part? Then what is?

Mad Libs - Stew Style

RING! RING! RING!

"h-h-hello?"
"Is this (your name)?"
"uh-huh."
"This is Earlene from scheduling. We are going to have to (verb) you."
You think to yourself Oh (expletive)! but say "Really?"
"Yes, in fact we need you at the airport in (number) minutes. You will be working flight 1982 to (city). There you will sit for (number) hours and then return so you can meet up with your original trip. Got that? Have a (adjective) day!"
"(verb) it up your (noun) Earlene, I mean yes."

Upon arriving at the aircraft, you realize you are working with the (adjective)(adjective) crew. You forget your (noun) at the hotel, your (noun) feels like (expletive) because of the (number) of (plural noun) the night before!

You slam the OHB on your (body part), your (noun) isn't working and a passenger just (verb) you in the (noun).

*SMILE*

The pilots show up. The captain is (adjective) with a (adjective)(noun). The first officer has a very (adjective) (noun). Strange you think, how does it fit in the cockpit?
(number) minutes into the flight, 17A starts (verb). Everyone around him starts (verb). You just stand there thinking of all the other jobs you could have done with your (adjective) (noun).

When you finally get to your room (number) hours later, your (body part) hurts, room service is (verb) and all you really want to do is (verb)!