"Sir, sir, you need to be seated. The fasten seat belt sign is on and the captain has asked the flight attendants to be seated as well"
"DO YOU WANT ME TO PEE MY PANTS!"
"Ummm.... no, I mean YES. Yes, I would love to see a grown man wet his pants in public!" Who wouldn't?
Really? I mean really really? I find this hard to believe no matter how many times I've heard it. Now I am not one to scoff at the idea of peeing one's pants because I myself have done it. However, it usually has involved laughing hysterically, being tickled, a powerful sneeze or the dreaded trampoline incident.
People come onto the plane and ask where the bathrooms are because they have to be close. We are on a plane. Depending on what type of aircraft it is, the bathrooms are no more than 100 feet away FROM EACH OTHER. So even if you sit in the middle, cut that distance in half. Now I ask you.... how close does one need to be?
Some other tidbits of information I've had the privilege of hearing are:
"I've had half my bowels removed and I have to go."
"I think I ate something bad, I have diarrhea."
"That coffee went right through me."
"I have an infection."
"I'm taking diuretics."
"You should see how many times I go at night."
No. No I shouldn't.
People, I do not need to know why you need to use the bathroom. I don't want to know what you're doing in there. And please don't give me details. My imagination is active enough without a vivid description of the rash you may or may not have. I will have that visual with me for the remainder of my days. No thank you.
Another thing that boggles my mind is when people can't find the bathroom. They are small, I will grant you that. But do you really think the big doors with the slides attached and the bright orange strap across the tiny, little window (just the fact that it has a window should be a clue) labeled EXIT is one of them? Hmmmm.
The skinny closet door isn't it either. This door is maybe 8 inches across. You would have trouble getting in that even if you were a 6 year old child turning sideways.
Here's a hint... it's the one that says LAVATORY and has a lock on it. By the way, you need to close the door completely for the lock to engage (duh). And no, you do not have to be a magician to open it. Contrary to popular belief the bathroom door isn't spring-loaded either. So when you come out, shut it for me will you? That is our kitchen, our work space. The place where we eat our food and take a breather. And THAT is the last thing we want to breathe in.
Also... 9 times out of 10 that fluid on the floor ISN'T water so WEAR YOUR SHOES FOR PETE'S SAKE! Also, yes you can use the bathroom while on the ground, and no, we do not empty the tank while flying. Gross.